I wake up, sam slapping me round the face.

"Wasn't I on a cliff racer?" I say, dazed.

"You fell asleep," replies sam, pointing to the fork-mark riddled cliff racer. "But no time for that! The minotaur has-"

He cuts off mid-sentence, and runs far away, to the Oblivion gate, the minotaur in close pursuit.

When he reaches it, it turns out the gate is barricaded on the other side.

Lots of blood ensues.

"NOOOOO!" I yell, and think up a plan as quickly as I can.

"COME AND GET ME!" I yell, taking my blood-stained string vest off.

The minotaur charges toards the red of the vest, and gets it around his head, teleporting him to a random place.

I look up, and take a step to the left, the minotaur crashing to the ground where I was just seconds before.

I go over to the pieces of sam and the gate, and stuff him in my saddlebag, then using the scroll of icarian flight, and hoping for the best.

returning to the basement with items to barricade the basement

"huh what the doors open?"

looks inside

"that hell gate is closed to!?"

starts walking down the stairs

"maybe ill get to find the exit after all"

SirBryghtside:
Snip

fails to find an exit

"bah what a waste of time"

leaves basement and sees a UWOD

"fuck that!" runs away towards the candy store (edit fixed)

sam g:

SirBryghtside:
Snip

ahem

Now the UWOD is on its side, I decide to take action before it strikes again.

Out of my saddlebag comes the fork of horripilation and the portal gun.

The UWOD is slowly turning to face me, so I must think fast.

I shoot a portal in the ceiling, and another in the floor. Then I drop the fork in, and it reaches terminal velocity after a while, when I am putting my string vest on and off, repeatedly warping to a different place in the mall.

When I finally return, I shoot a portal above the robot, and it stabs its engine.

It rips through, and petrol leaks everywhere.

Alright. I wanna cast a spell...

*riding in truck* hey whats that there techno-bot? is it a food warmer thingy? (horrible redneck XD)

Finally makes it to the Lost and Found. Only thing in it is a watch, so i swipe it. Bored and hungry, I head over to the candy store

arriving at the candy store

"i gotta find a way to defend myself from that thing"

after a long pause of drooling and standing around looking like an idiot

"i got it" while pointing upwards :D

goes builds nunchucks out of twizzlers and candy canes

"OH FORGET IT" I scream after my seventh attempt to fight someone. "I'll let the fight come to me."

I proceed to ride the elevator up and down, waiting for someone.

I walk through the mall, searching for something to do now the UWOD has a fork through it. I then see an elevator going up and down, up and down Ooh mezmirising I shoot out its cables and it crashes and a figure stumbles out.

I go over to Beans, kick him and take his nunchucks, dual wielding them.

I then find the minotaur that I killed before, and rip out his horns, stick it to a blue helmet I picked up in Oblivion, and stick the horns on it. Then I put it on, and shave off all of his black fur, and stick it to my face.

I then paint some armour blue, and put that on, with the helmet, and take some wheels from the bike store, and dual wield them.

I CAST FLARE!

Flare blinds the UWOD, which then shoots randomly, one of the pieces of cheese hitting it, and blowing itself up, semding petrol, fuel, cheese and metal everywhere.

"It's over," I say.

I arrive just in time to see Sir casting Flare.

"NOOOOOOOOO! You fool!"

"Ren, it's OK, it's over! The UWOD is destroyed."

"But the cheese... LOOK!"

Sir turns back, to see a huge mass of cheese coming to life. Apparently mixing cheese with petrol will do that.

The Giant Cheese Monster (GCM) drowns Sir with its cheesy fist and turns to me.

I run around looking for the source of this delicious smelling cheese, just in time to see Ren running away from a petrolly chees thingy. I point my blaster at it and pull the trigger. Aw shit, these things only come with 300 rounds. Time to invent a weapon.

The GCM lobs chucks of cheese at me, but I manage to dodge them. I hide inside the supermarket and head towards the hygiene products section.

I respawn in the food isle, and decide to go Portal on the GCM!

Now... how did I keep dying in Portal...

I grab everything green I can find, and mix it with tomato puree in a huge blender.

I take my mixture, and run back to the GCM.

I can hear the GCM breaking through the doors and coming after me. A stream of cheese knocks down the shelves and pushes me away. The monster is coming closer to me. And then, I see it on th floor.

The GCM prepares to strike, but I dive out of the way, grab the hairspray can on the floor and point it at the monster, holding my trusty lighter in the way.

The petrol ignites, making the GCM cry in pain. Blinded by rage, it trashes the store, until finally all that's left of him is a puddle of molten, burnt, cheese on the floor.

"It's over."

I come rushing in with my blenderful of vegetables, and throw it at the GCM, and the puddle turns green and radioactive, and starrts pulsating and growing.

I decide to run before something happens, and it blows up as I reach the eletronics store, the pieces of ooze dissolving the walls like acid.

through one of the holes falls the manager, who begins to shrivel away.

"NO! VEGETABLES! MY ONE WEAKNESS!" he screams.

He eventually turns into a raisin-like blob, which I leave on the floor.

"It's over," I say.

_Repeatedly.

_{I heard that!}

I grab the manager's shotgun and bludgeon Sir to death with it.

I kick Cougar in the head, sending him flying to the ground, then pull his storm-trooper helmet off to reveal...
"You're a girl!?" I check again. "Oh, no you're not, you just fight like one." I curb-stomp him until his chest crumples.

I turn to sam and say:

"Hey, that was a great joke!"

Then I smash his skull with my shotgun.

*drives by ren in the truck and grabs the shotty right before he hits sam* I'll take that thank you very much

"Hey, thanks, buddy!" I say, attaching a sniper scope to my staple gun and headshotting BabyEater through the window of his truck. Then I turn to Ren and dislocate his arms from their sockets, push him over and laugh like a circus clown as he tries vainly to get up.

While sam stands there he hears a voice behind him "You're gunna regret that last fucking comment." Then I grab him from behind the neck and give him the slowest, most painful death ever, slowly crippling his spine. I then run up to Ren and shout "SO YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE HUH?!" I then pull my secret weapon from behind my back, a shuriken firing weed wacker and cut up Ren.

Yawns and wakes up from a deep stupor in the closet. Brief essay of the situation and chin scratching later.
"Well its this or sleep...." shrugs and meanders into a hardware store, avoiding debris by stumbling.
Grabs a hand powered torch, breaks it open and attaches a makeshift lawnmower blade arrangement to the dynamo engine. New painkiller rip off in hand, I climb on top of the shelves and pretend to be on overwatch

finally wake up, and remember that I am completely naked still, so I grab my portal gun, and put it in front of my private parts, creeping down to a new plotline.

sam you owe me a new window you bastard! *turns around and runs over ren*

repeatedly

I hear the word repeatedly, my catchphrase, being used, andscream, running towards Babies and shooting a portal on his head, and another one on the ground.

I then smash his face into the portal, causing the most epic TIME PARADOX ever.

REPEATEDLY.

owwy *pulls head out of portal and drives away*

After letting EMB drive for a while, i see SirBS reach his hand out of the portal and bang EMB's head against the dashboard. but before he could do more damage i cut off his hand with one of my swords, then i push EMB back into the passenger's seat.

wakes out after getting kick in the face

"ow ~,~"

looks around

"my nunchucks!!!"

runs out of the candy store with blinding rage ... stomach grawls

slowly wake back in the candy store and eats candy

After a brief interval of nothing much happening, the time paradox finally starts.

Everyone in the mall is teleported into the realm of their second favourite game.

I wake up, dazed, and hear a robotic, female voice...

Spotting COB from his lofty perch on top of the weed killer display, overwatch kicks in.

stalks COB back to the candy shop and taps him on the shoulder. failing to come up with a witty one liner settles for slicing him as thinly as possible with hand powered spinning blade.
pauses, eats candy, sets self to overwatch again.

(ninjas >,<)

gets respawned in the hardware store